Trouble Reconnecting After An Affair: 'When do I make a decision?'

Our live caller explains, “I had an affair previously, and ever since then I’ve been trying really hard to work things out with my husband, reconnect, and earn forgiveness. He worked with me on our marriage for about a year, trying to reconcile and work through things. But now, he’s decided he isn’t going to… and I don’t know why.”

Dr. Joe Beam asks this caller if there was something recent that happened, or if there is something else that is influencing her husband.

Dr. Joe Beam also asks this caller if she wants to continue to live like this- in the same house with her husband, but disconnected.

She responds that she doesn’t think she can keep it going much longer. Every time she tries to talk to him, he shuts her out.

Dr. Joe Beam follows up by asking, are your husband’s actions affecting you physically, intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually?

She says she’s struggling emotionally; feeling anxious all the time.

Here at Marriage Helper, many people have asked us, “If I’m going to have to put my foot down about something with my spouse, WHEN do I do it?”

One criteria we give people is this: if you (or your children) are affected physically, intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually ways in a detrimental way (not just hurting, but becoming DETRIMENTAL). If this is the case, it may be a time you may need to make a decision.

At Marriage Helper, we also talk about COREs: Continuing Our Relationship Essentials. (However, if your spouse doesn’t care about continuing the relationship, a CORE isn’t going to work.)

At Marriage Helper, we also talk about STOPs: Safeguards That Offer Protection- physically, intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually. These answer the question, the “What is it that I want him to stop? (Other people may call these “boundaries.”)

Before you set a CORE or a STOP we recommend that you set up a time to talk and clarify things, set expectations, and ask for what you need.

Forgiveness can set you free; you can find freedom from what you’ve been holding on to for so long, and move forward.

If you’re in a similar situation and want to learn more about COREs and STOPs, please reach out to us. We would love to help!

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